A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

A man and his wife were having sex one night in there bedroom. There little boy opens the door and says "Daddy what are you doing to mama?" Then the daddy says "Making you a little sister" And then the boy replies "Hell no do it doggy style I want a puppy."

Two men visit a prostitute. The first man goes into the bedroom. He comes out ten minutes later and says, ‘Heck. My wife is better than that.’ The second man goes in. He comes out ten minutes later and says, ‘You know? Your wife IS better.’

Vaginas are like weather. When it's wet, it's time to go inside.

Superman is flying around the city, horny as hell. He suddenly sees Wonder Woman spread eagle, naked on top of the building. Superman thinks, "This is my chance!" He swoops down, faster than a speeding bullet bangs her and is gone in the blink of an eye. Wonder Woman sits up and says,"What the hell was that!?" The Invisible Man rolls off her and says, "I have no idea but it hurt like hell!"

A woman walks into a chemist’s and asks if they sell extra-large condoms. ‘Yes, we do,’ says the sales assistant. ‘Would you like to buy some?’ ‘No thanks,’ replies the woman. ‘But if you don’t mind, I’ll wait here for someone who does.

Q: What goes in hard and pink, but comes out soft and mushy? A: Bubblegum and you should be ashamed of yourself. 

Boy: What's it called when 3 people have sex? Girl: A threesome. Boy: What's it called when two people have sex? Girl: A twosome. Boy: Now you know why they call me handsome.

Name? Abdul Aziz. Sex? Three to five times a day. No, no...I mean male or female? Yes, male, female, sometimes camel. Holy cow! Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general. But isn't that hostile? Horse style, doggy style, any style! Oh dear! No, no! Deer run too fast...

Mother Teaches Her Child To Go To The Bathroom Mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers: 1. Open your fly. 2. Take out your equipment. 3. Pull back the skin. 4. Do your business. 5. Let the skin forward. 6. Stow your equipment. 7. Close your fly. She did check on him often to see if he had learned the lesson, and heard 1,2,3,4,5,6,7. She was very happy until one day she checked and heard 3-5, 3-5, 3-5.

How can you make your wife scream for an hour after sex? Wipe your dick on the curtains.

A man says to his wife, ‘You know what, two inches more and I’d be king.’ She replies, ‘Two inches less and you’d be queen.’

Q: What did the penis say to the condom? A: Cover me im going in!

A couple have just had sex. The woman says, ‘If I got pregnant, what would we call the baby?’ The man takes off his condom, ties a knot in it, and flushes it down the toilet. ‘Well,’ he says. ‘If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini.’

Q: What's a man's definition of safe sex? A: When his wife's out of town.

My penis was in the Guiness Book of Records... until the librarian kicked me out. 

Q: How do you make four old ladies say "FUCK!"? A: Get a fifth one to yell "BINGO!"

Q: How do you find a blind man at a nude beach? A: It’s not hard.

A woman is complaining to her neighbor:
- My husband is 300% impotent.
- A few days ago you told me 100%, not 300%.
- Well, yesterday he fell down the stairs, broke his finger and bit his tongue. 

Two friends:
- Tonight I am going to organize a group sex session in my apartment. Do you want to come?
- Of course! How many people are coming?
- Three, if you bring your girlfriend. 

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.
"What's wrong dearest??" asked the confused husband."Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do???" "Well," replied the man... "I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon. "Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked. "Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?" So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?" "No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep. When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?" "No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

A woman went to her shrink because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?" "Well, yes, I actually did once." "And how did your husband look?" "Angry, very angry." At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?" "He was looking through the window at us!"

A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making. The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "Quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom. Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks. 
"Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to recieve you." 
"Okay." the man replies "I'll go get ready." He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands. "Who the hell are you?!" the man asks.
"I'm from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with." The husband exclaims, "But you are naked!" The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise, and says..."Those little bastards!"

A chicken and an egg were laying next to each other in bed.
The chicken was smoking a cigarette, and with a very pissed-off look the egg said, "Well.... I guess that answers *THAT* long asked question!"