Q. Why did the ant fall off the toilet seat? A. Because he was pissed off!

Q: Why did Beethoven kill his chicken? A: It kept saying, "Bach, Bach, Bach."

Q: Why do farmers put bells on cows? A: Their horns don't work.

Q: Why did the ants dance on the jam jar? A: The lid said, "Twist to open."

Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet?
A: To put out fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To put out burning ducks.

Q: Why do baby chicks say, "Cheep, cheep, cheep"? A: They can't say, "Expensive, expensive, expensive."

Two goldfish were in their tank. One turned to the other and said, "You man the guns; I'll drive."

Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?" The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?"

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man? A: "It's nice, but can it pick up peanuts?"

Q: Where does a bee pee? A: At the BP station.

Q: Why do fish live in salt water? A: Because pepper makes them sneeze!

Q: What is the snake’s favorite subject? A: Hiss-story

Q: What is a cheetahs favorite food? A: Fast food!

Q: What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing? A: Its shadow!

Q: There were 10 cats in a boat and one jumped out. How many were left? 
A: None, because they were copycats!

Q: What do you call a cow in a tornado? A: A milkshake!

Q: Which day do fish hate? A: Fryday!

Poodle: “My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is leaving me for a German shepherd, and I’m nervous as a cat.”
Collie: “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” Poodle: “I can’t. I’m not allowed on the couch.”

When a zoo’s gorilla dies, the zookeeper hires an actor to don ? A costume and act like an ape ? Until the zoo can get another one. In the cage, the actor makes faces, swings around, and draws a huge crowd. He then crawls across a partition and atop the lion’s cage, infuriating the animal. But the actor stays in character—until he loses his grip and falls into the lion’s cage. Terrified, the actor shouts, “Help! Help me!” Too late. The lion pounces, opens its massive jaws, and whispers, “Shut up! Do you want to get us both fired?!”

Q: What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat? A: Five after one.

There were two cows in a paddock. One of the cows says, “moo” and the other one says, “That’s what I was going to say.”

Why did the turkey cross the road? Because he wasn't a chicken. 

What do you call a dog with no legs? It does not matter, it's not going to come